A summary of David Seamands’ book by the same title, published by Victor Books, Wheaton, IL, in 1981. Page numbers are from this book as well. Compiled by Nate Wilson for Christ The Redeemer Church, Manhattan, KS on 13 Dec. 2015.
Let me begin by reading Luke 18:9ff, translated by Dr. Kenneth Bailey, in his book Through Peasant Eyes: A Literary-Cultural Approach to the Parables in Luke. I will follow this reading of scripture with some of Bailey’s commentary from the same book:
And he said to certain people who considered themselves
righteous and despised others, this parable:
“Two men went up into the temple to pray,
one a Pharisee, and the other a tax collector.
The Pharisee stood by himself thus praying,
‘God, I thank thee because I am not like other men
extortioners, unjust, adulterers,
even like this tax collector.
I fast twice a week.
I give tithes of all that I possess.’
But the tax collector, standing afar off,
would not even lift up his eyes to heaven,
but he beat upon his chest saying,
‘God! Make an atonement for me, a sinner.’
I tell you, he went down to his house
made righteous, rather than that one. "
For every one who exalts himself will be humbled,
and he who humbles himself will be exalted.
“One coming [to the temple] in order to pray at the time of the evening sacrifice ... (three o’clock in the afternoon)... would see first of all the slaughtering and cutting up of the sacrificial lamb, and would then notice that a priest went to the Holy Place to burn incense (Lk. i.9). Both these were acts at which the Israelite was not merely an onlooker, for they were performed in the name of the people, of whom the priest was a representative, in order to affirm daily Israel’s relationship to God, according to His command; and when, after the censing from the steps to the ante-hall was accomplished, the priests pronounced the blessing with outstretched hands. . . and put God's Name upon the children of Israel . . . it was for the reception of the blessing that the people ‘bowed themselves’ (Ecclus. 1.21 ) to the ground on hearing the ineffable Name. . . . This was followed, in the consciousness that God would graciously accept the gift, by the bringing of the sacrifice to the altar (Dalman, Sacred, 303). Dalman goes on to explain the other elements of the liturgy... one can almost smell the pungent incense, hear the loud clash of cymbals, and see the great cloud of dense smoke rising from the burnt offering. The tax collector is there. He stands afar off, anxious not to be seen, sensing his unworthiness to stand with the participants. In brokenness he longs to be a part of it all. He yearns that he might stand with ‘the righteous.’ In deep remorse he strikes his chest and cries out in repentance and hope, ‘O God! Let it be for me! Make an atonement for me, a sinner!’ There in the temple this humble man, aware of his own sin and unworthiness, with no merit of his own to commend him, longs that the great dramatic atonement sacrifice might apply to him. The last stanza tells us that indeed it does.”
And yet there is another man in the temple for whom the sacrifice does no good. This is the Pharisee. And for his portrait, I want to turn to another book which paints a picture of how someone like this Pharisee came to be the way he is and how he can be made right. This second book is by Dr. David Seamands, and is entitled Healing for Damaged Emotions.
I found it on a booktable at a pastors’ conference this spring and picked it up because it looked familiar. Turns out it was a book my parents kept on their bookshelf after reading it together when it had been recommended to them by a counselor they had gone to. Seamands’ methodology is somewhere in between secular Psychology and the nouthetic school of Biblical Counseling, so he made me nervous at points by not calling some things sin and by hedging on the wrath of God against sin and the need for repentance. On the other hand, his gentle approach could well be what a person with damaged emotions needs, and Seamands is clearly a Christian and has good insights to share. So I recommend his book, but I’d also recommend a balancing perspective from other others like John Piper and Ed Welch. Anyway, I just finished reading this book last week and was impressed by the picture which Dr. Seamands painted of the Perfectionist Pharisee. He writes:
· “Perfectionism is a counterfeit for Christian perfection, holiness, sanctification, or the Spirit-filled life. Instead of making us holy persons and integrated personalities – that is, whole persons in Christ – perfectionism leaves us spiritual Pharisees and emotional neurotics...” (p.78) “It walks into my office more often than any other single Christian hangup.
o “What is perfectionism? ... It’s chief characteristic is a constant, overall feeling of never doing well enough or being good enough... (p.79)
o “It typically states... ‘I ought to have done better, I ought to be able to do better.’ ... If you [believe you] are never quite good enough, you feel a continuous sense of self-depreciation.”
· “One of the most common... situations which produces perfectionism and depression is un-please-able parents. Such parents give only conditional love which demands that certain standards are lived up to, top grades achieved, or the highest kind of performance met in athletics or in spiritual life. There is little or no affirmation and plenty of criticism. Even approval is conditional. Encouragement is given, but only to stress the fact that ‘you should have and could have done better.’ The three A’s on the report card aren’t mentioned, but the B...” (p.93)
o Dr. Seamands shared a case study about a woman who was looking for affirmation of her beauty as a teenager, and her father said, “Well, You can’t make a peach out of a potato!” Ow! In her day-to-day behavior, they would make comparisons and set conditions: “Shirley, you’re so nice when... Shirley, I hope you’ll never be like... That’s fine, Shirley, but... We love you when... if... but...” (p.65)
· “If you are never quite satisfied with yourself and your achievements, then the next step is quite natural: God is never really pleased with you either. He’s always saying, ‘Come on now, you can do better than that!’ ... The oughts and self-depreciation produce... a giant umbrella of guilt, anxiety, and condemnation. (p.80)
· This “general sense of divine disapproval... [is] usually accompanied by a ... legalism which rigidly overemphasizes externals, do’s and don’ts , rules and regulations... The perfectionist... is very sensitive to what other people think about him. Since he cannot accept himself, and is quite unsure of God’s approval, he desperately needs the approval of other people. Thus he is easy prey to the opinions and evaluations of other Christians... ‘Maybe if I stop doing this or I start doing that... maybe then God will accept me...” All the while, the do’s and don’ts keep adding up because more and more people have to be pleased.... Paul called [it] ‘the yoke of bondage’ (Gal. 5:1)... (p.81)
· “Yet, in a strange paradox, they [also] critically judge, blame, and bind ... others.”
o I remember one person who came to our church and said they didn’t like how we judged them for not being a Republican. That person was looking for affirmation and assumed from something about my exterior that I would not find him acceptable, so he kept himself closed to me and justified it by blaming me for being judgmental about something I couldn’t have even been judgmental about – I was not registered with the Republican party myself, and that had been a purposeful decision for me.
· “[A] terrible consequence of perfectionism is alienation from the true self... ‘I am not accepted and loved as I am; I’ve tried every way to get this approval by being the way I am... I can only be accepted and loved if I become something else and someone else.’ (p.102)
o “[A] kind of pseudo-self takes its place... Super You is a false, idealized image you think you have to be in order to be loved and accepted.”
o Now, Dr. Seamands wrote before the invention of the Internet, but over the years as I have seen Internet-based social networking develop, I have seen this pseudo-self projected into social media,
§ either as a profane avatar that expresses the secret inner life of rebellion against God and spouts obscenities, while the real person tries to keep up a physical appearance of niceness and Godliness,
§ or it can be the reverse: the super-self avatar that is stunningly beautiful or handsome, and wonderfully kind and generous, when the real person is not.
§ In both cases, the person finds others on that social network who will affirm and appreciate their pseudo-self and provide a false sense of love and acceptance, while ignoring the fact that the others on that network are doing the same thing and are being just as fake with the pseudo-selves which they are presenting online.
· “But the worst is yet to come. For you see... deep in his heart a kind of anger is developing. A resentment against the oughts, against the Christian faith, against other Christians, against himself, but saddest of all, against God. (p.82)
o “A god whom he can never please no matter how hard he tries, no matter what he gives up or holds on to. This cruel god always ups the ante a little, always demands a bit more and says, ‘Sorry that wasn’t quite good enough.’ Anger against this kind of god seethes up...
o “But too often that anger is not faced but denied. Because anger is considered a terrible sin, it is pushed down. And the whole mixture of bad theology, legalism, and salvation by performance becomes a frozen Niagara.
· “This is when deep emotional problems set in. Mood changes are so great and so terrible that such a person seems to be two different people at the same time. Under the stress and the strain of trying to live with a self he can’t like, a God he can’t love, and other people he can’t get along with, the strain can become too much. And one of two things can happen: either there is a breakaway or a breakdown.” (p.84)
o The breakaway can be illustrated by the words of a man I know who told his sister, “I can never be as good as you are. So I am not going to even try. I am going to be just as bad as you are good.” These siblings grew up in a Christian family.
o The other alternative is a mental breakdown. This can be illustrated by the story of Dr. Joseph Cooke, a successful university professor who became a missionary to Thailand. There he had a nervous breakdown and had to leave the mission field, unable to teach anymore or even read his Bible. In his autobiography, Free for the Taking, he wrote, “God was always using His love against me. He’d show me His nail-pierced hands, and then He would look at me glaringly and say, ‘Well, why aren’t you a better Christian? Get busy and live the way you ought to.’” (p.84)
· We can see, then, how the Pharisee is built, step-by-step, until his utter destruction and rejection by God. But...
· There is hope if you or someone you love has been trapped in this condition. Romans 12:2 tells us that the answer is in “being transformed by the renewing of your mind.”
· “You must become a partner with God in [a] reprogramming and renewal process. Such work is a continuous process, not a sudden crisis... The verbs in this verse represent continuous action, and the word mind describes the way you think, the way you look at life as a daily process.” (p.75)
· “[P]erfectionists have been programmed to unrealistic expectations, impossible performance, conditional love, and a subtle theology of works. They can’t get rid of this pattern overnight. The change requires time, process, understanding, healing, and above all, reprogramming – the renewal of the mind that brings transformation... God’s care cannot be felt without a deep, inner reprogramming of all the bad conditioning that has been put in by parents and family and teachers and preachers and the church.” (p.85)
· “Super self dies very hard, and the religious super self dies the hardest of all.” (p.109)
·
Dr. Seamands prescribes two
scriptural principles to use in this transformation of thinking:
1) To understand God’s grace and receive it, and
2) To unmask our anger toward God and those who have hurt us and seek
forgiveness.
· “There is only one ultimate cure for perfectionism: it is as profound and yet as simple as the word grace... [T]his word has a special meaning: ‘freely given, undeserved, unmerited, unearnable, and unrepayable favor. God’s loving acceptance of us has nothing to do with our worthiness... (p.84)
· “Grace is the face God wears when He meets our imperfection, sin, weakness, and failure.” (p. 84)
· “Grace is not a commodity but our Lord Himself, coming to us in His graciousness. A loving, gracious God accepts us as we are, offers Himself lovingly to us right here and now, not when we shape up.” (p.92)
· “[T]he perfectionist... has been programmed to think it is too good to be true. You... may think: Of course, I believe in grace, but...
· “[B]ecause of wretched programming from the other sources, it is difficult to accept... But... let God love you... You want God to affirm and accept you, and that’s what He does.” (p.75)
· “Will you receive your self-esteem from God and His word?” Will you say, “I am going to listen to God’s opinion of me, and let Him reprogram me until His loving estimate of me becomes a part of my life, right down to my innermost feelings.” (p.73-74)
o
God’s
word tells you that he loves you greatly and that you are His child:
1 John 3:1 “Behold what
manner of love the Father has bestowed on us, that we should be called children
of God! ... 2 Beloved, now we are children of God...
o
God’s
word tells you that you are provided for, not sold short:
Matthew 7:11 “If you
then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more
will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him!”
Philippians 4:19 “And my God shall
supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus.”
o
God’s
word tells you that He was pleased to chose you, adopt you, and accept you:
Ephesians 1:4-6 “He chose
us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and
without blame before Him in love, having predestined us to adoption as
sons by Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the good pleasure of His will,
to the praise of the glory of His grace, by which He made us accepted in
the Beloved.” (NKJV)
· An evangelist that Dr. Seamands counseled once told him, “‘I would have to, in honesty, admit, that when I imagine myself in the presence of God, I’m always Super Me. I don’t think I have ever gone as Real Me, just as I am.’ And then he shook his head and said, ‘And I’ve sung that song a thousand times, ‘Just As I Am,’ but I have never lived it out when I came to God.” (p.104)
· “‘Come unto me,’ said Jesus, ‘all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.’ (Matt. 11:28). Isn’t that good news? ... Notice the words of Charles Wesley’s hymn as he traced the progression of God’s healing grace in a guilt-ridden, perfectionist’s heart... (p. 89)
o
Arise, my soul, arise; shake off thy
guilty fears;
The bleeding Sacrifice in my behalf appears:
Before the throne my surety stands, before the throne my surety stands,
My name is written on His hands.
o
He ever lives above, for me to
intercede;
His all-redeeming love, His precious blood, to plead:
His blood atoned for all our race, His blood atoned for all our race,
And sprinkles now the throne of grace.
o
Five bleeding wounds He bears,
received on Calvary;
They pour effectual prayers; they strongly plead for me:
“Forgive him, O forgive,” they cry, “forgive him, O forgive,” they cry.
Nor let that ransomed sinner die!
o
The Father hears Him pray, His dear
anointed One;
He cannot turn away the presence of His Son:
His Spirit answers to the blood, His Spirit answers to the blood,
And tells me I am born of God.
o
My God is reconciled; His pardoning
voice I hear;
He owns me for His child; I can no longer fear:
With confidence I now draw nigh, with confidence I now draw nigh,
And “Father, Abba, Father,” cry.
· The only thing you can do in the face of God’s grace is thank Him. “‘Thank You, Lord, that You are healing me according to Your perfect schedule.’ In this way you turn the process not into another form of irritation for your perfectionism or anger at your slow progress [and not into another thing you have to do], but into a prayer of thanksgiving for His graciousness every step of the way.” (p.92)
· Now, we’ve seen what makes a Pharisee, and we’ve seen that grasping God’s grace transforms that mindset, but there’s one more important step...
· “The anger may be buried underneath layers of timidity, meekness, and spiritual piety, but it’s there. The healing process must include the courage to unmask the anger, bring it out before God, and put it on the Cross where it belongs... (p.96)
· “[When] we feel anger at someone... he or she must pay... There is a sense of oughtness, of owing a debt, an automatic mechanism by which the built-in debt collectors go to work. [In the parable of the unforgiving servant] Jesus is saying that the unforgiven and the unforgiving get turned over to a Fearsome Foursome of guilt, resentment, striving, and anxiety. These four produce stress, conflict, and all sorts of emotional problems. (p.32)
· “How tragic is this parable! The servant, not realizing he was completely forgiven, thought he still had to go around collecting money from the servants who owed him, so that he could pay the lord a debt – that had been canceled... (p.32)
· “The vicious circle becomes more vicious. The unaccepted are the unaccepting. The unforgiven are the unforgiving. The ungraced are the ungracious... parents who hurt you when you were growing up; brothers and sisters who failed you when you needed help... a friend who betrayed you; a sweetheart who rejected you; your marriage partner who promised to love, honor, comfort, and care for you, but instead has nagged or scape-goated or caused you pain... [S]ince you see yourself as unforgiven and unacceptable, you in turn become unforgiving and unaccepting. You have not received grace, so how can you give it to others. And as you feel tormented, you hurt others... You must make all these people who have hurt you pay the debts they owe you. You are a grievance collector.(p.33)
· “Will you take three tests with me to see if there is someone you need to forgive, including yourself?
o First of all, there’s the resentment test. Is there someone you resent, you’ve never let off the hook? ...someone who wronged you... [They need to be forgiven.]
o The responsibility test is a little trickier. It goes something like this: ‘Of, if only [so-and-so] had given me what they owed me, I wouldn’t be in this mess today... ‘They made me what I am. It’s [their] fault...’ In many instances, extending forgiveness to someone else and assuming responsibility for yourself are two sides of the same coin, and can only be done together.
o The reminder and reaction test is really subtle. Do you find yourself reacting against a person because he reminds you of someone else? Maybe you don’t like the way your husband discplines your children because he reminds you of your father who overdid it... You don’t like your neighbor, or you respond to a co-worker with a bit of anger, a bit of resentment. Why? Because you have never really forgiven someone else. And... that unforgiven person from the past triggers resentment against this person.
· “Resolution means forgiving every person involved in that hurt and humiliation; it means surrendering every desire for a vindictive triumph over that person; it means allowing God’s forgiving love to wash over your guilt-plagued soul. (p.97)
· “Such basic inner resentment is really an anger against injustice and it cries out, ‘I was a victim. I had no choice. I didn’t choose to be born. I didn’t choose my parents. I didn’t choose my brothers and sisters. I didn’t choose my handicaps and my illness. I was a victim, and my hurts and my humiliations and my scars are unjust.’ And we often see this hidden anger coming out in perfectionists who want to correct every mistake they see and set right all the wrongs of the world.
· “The place of healing for this damaged person is the Cross – the very peak of all injustice... In the Cross, God demonstrated His total identification with us in our undeserved suffering, as well as in our deserved punishment. Never was there more injustice than in that Cross.... Never say, ‘God doesn’t know what it is like to suffer,’ and never think that God allows us to suffer things that He has not been willing to bear Himself... (p.98)
· But, you may say, “‘How can I tell these things to God? How can I express my hurt, my humiliation, my anger, my resentment against people; yes, against Him? How can I share that with Him?’ Don’t you understand? On the Cross He has already experienced all of that and far more. On the Cross, God in Christ has absorbed all these kinds of painful feelings into His love. They have entered into His heart, pierced His soul, and been dissolved in the ocean of His forgiveness and the sea of His forgetfulness. The Apostle Paul, formerly the bitterest enemy of the Christian faith, was the one who hated Jesus Christ, the one who hurled insults at Him, the one who vented his rage by being at the killing of the first martyr, Stephen. When Paul discovered that all that rage had been absorbed into the gracious heart of God he wrote, “God was in Christ, reconciling (let’s make it personal) reconciling me to Himself, not counting my trespasses against me.’ (2 Cor. 5:19) There is nothing you can share out of the agonizing hurts and depths and hates and rages of your soul that God has not heard. There is nothing you take to Him that He will not understand. He will receive you with love and grace. (p.99)
· “Because Jesus knew that we would all think this was too good to be true, on the night before He went to the Cross, He instituted the Communion Supper... He said, ‘Eat and drink this to remind you... (Matt. 26:26-28) As we take and eat of the body, from His brokenness we receive healing and wholeness for our brokenness. As we partake of the cup, we receive His forgiving and healing love into our souls and bodies.” (p.100)
· “From the cross of Jesus Christ, all the perfections of Jesus, God’s true Superman, are given to you as a free gift of His grace, and these more than fill in the gaps of your life. Paul said it so well, ‘But of Him are ye in Christ Jesus, who of God is made unto us wisdom, and righteousness, and sanctification, and redemption’ (1 Cor. 1:30).”