Ephesians 6:4 – Disciplining Children God’s Way

Sermon by Nate Wilson for Christ the Redeemer Church, Manhattan, KS, 05 Dec 2010, 16 Jan 2019.

Today we have our church baby shower for Tobijah, and it’s high time we did so, seeing as he’s almost three months old! It has been my tradition to preach on some aspect of children in the church when a new child is born in our congregation, so today I want to follow up on the sermon I delivered back in November on Child Training. In that sermon I highlighted the positive side of training and encouragement, and in this sermon, I want to highlight the negative side of training and discipline. The Bible teaches both these positive and negative reinforcement principles, so please don’t take this sermon in isolation without the other. Much of this sermon, by the way, was inspired by Denny Kenaston’s seminar entitled “The Holy Art of Training Children.” Our principal text is:

Ephesians 6:4 Καὶ οἱ πατέρες μὴ παροργίζετε τὰ τέκνα ὑμῶν, ἀλλ᾿ ἐκτρέφετε αὐτὰ ἐν παιδείᾳ καὶ νουθεσίᾳ Κυρίου.

And you fathers, do not enrage your children, but nurture them in discipline and instruction of the Lord. (NAW All Bible texts after this point are from the NASB)

1. ἐκτρέφετε (Main Verb)

• Thayer Definition: 1) to nourish up to maturity… 2) to nurture, bring up

• In the N.T. only found in these last two chapters of Ephesians (Eph. 5:29; 6:4)

• Found in a score of child-rearing contexts throughout the O.T. so the topic is clearly about raising children.¹

  • Notice the subject of the sentence: Fathers. It is a basic Biblical principle for fathers to bring correction to their sons. Sure, Mom can give spankings too, but don’t leave all the training to her. The Bible places the responsibility squarely on the shoulders of the fathers to nurture children. Fathers, take up the mantle of disciplining and instructing your children!

• This main verb is preceded by an instruction on how NOT to do it:

2. μὴ παροργίζετε² = DO NOT exasperate/provoke to anger/wrath.

• Compound word: para + orgy = Lit. not “alongside out-of-control passion”

• If you are angry at your child, you are not going to be able to fulfill God’s command here of nourishing them to maturity. You must first repent of your anger and get right with God and ask Him to give you a love for the children He has given you. That’s the first step.

• There are many ways that parents exasperate their children: Verbal abuse, physical abuse, violent discipline, setting unrealistic expectations, being unavailable, you name it, there are a lot of ways we can blow it as parents! Beware!

• Keep on the alert for signals from your children - or from your spouse or your friends - that could indicate an angry heart in your child. You may even need to humble yourself enough to ask your children, your spouse, and your friends if they see anything that might indicate a problem. It will save you a heap of grief in the long run!

• Children are forever; there is nothing that is “too much trouble” when it comes to raising children. They’re worth all the trouble! For the rest of eternity, we are going to see our children that we helped shape, and for the rest of eternity, we are either going to be delighted with them or ashamed regarding them.

• Now, after the statement of how NOT to raise children, Ephesians 6:4 gives us two ways TO raise children, and I’m going to spend the rest of my sermon on the first of these because the rest of Scripture³ has so much to say about it:

3. εν παιδεία (How to do it #1)

• Thayer Definition: 1) the whole training and education of children (which relates to the cultivation of mind and morals, and employs for this purpose now commands and admonitions, now reproof and punishment) It also includes the training and care of the body 2) … correcting mistakes and curbing passions… [through] instruction… [and] chastisement…

• In the New Testament we see that:

• The formal education of Moses in Egypt, and Paul under Gamaliel was called paideia in Acts 7:22 and Acts 22:3

• It is used for exhorting in the process of teaching:

  • 2 Tim. 2:25 with gentleness correcting* those who are in opposition, if perhaps God may grant them repentance leading to the knowledge of the truth…
    3:16 All Scripture is inspired by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training* in righteousness;

  • Titus 2:11-12 The grace of God has appeared, instructing* us to deny ungodliness and worldly desires and to live sensibly, righteously and godly in the present age,

• The scourging that Pilate ordered for Jesus was called paideia Luke 23:16,22 (cf. 2Cor 6:9)

• And paideia is something that God does:

• Rev. 3:19 Those whom I love, I reprove & discipline*; therefore be zealous & repent.

• 1Cor. 11:32 But when we are judged, we are disciplined* by the Lord so that we will not be condemned along with the world.

• Heb. 12:5-11 and you have forgotten the exhortation which is addressed to you as sons, "MY SON, DO NOT REGARD LIGHTLY THE DISCIPLINE* OF THE LORD, NOR FAINT WHEN YOU ARE REPROVED BY HIM; FOR THOSE WHOM THE LORD LOVES HE DISCIPLINES*, AND HE SCOURGES EVERY SON WHOM HE RECEIVES.” [Prov. 3:11] It is for discipline* that you endure; God deals with you as with sons; for what son is there whom his father does not discipline*? But if you are without discipline*, of which all have become partakers, then you are illegitimate children and not sons… For they disciplined* us for a short time as seemed best to them, but He disciplines us for our good, so that we may share His holiness. All discipline* for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness.

• Paideia is also used as the discipline of excommunication from the church in 1 Tim. 1:20

• About 1/3 of the occurrences of the word paideia are found in the one book of Proverbs alone, so that’s where I’m going to camp today.(Asterices indicate occurrences of the Greek word paideia in the Septuagint)

• In the Proverbs, paideia includes the concept of teaching with words:

  • Prov. 1:2 & 8 Hear, my son, your father's instruction* And do not forsake your mother's teaching

  • Prov. 25:1 – These are the instructions* of Solomon [followed by a written list of proverbs]

  • Prov. 31:1 - the words with which his mother instructed* him (cf. 4:1, 5:12-13)

• It is very valuable, so it should be welcomed and protected

  • Prov. 4:13 Take hold of instruction*; do not let go. Guard her, for she is your life.

  • Prov. 8:10 Take my instruction* and not silver, And knowledge rather than choicest gold.

• In addition to words, the rod is also part of Biblical paideia according to Proverbs:

  • Prov. 29:19 [Sometimes words are not strong enough to instruct]

  • Prov. 26:3 A whip is for the horse, a bridle for the donkey, And a rod for the back of fools. [Brandish Rod]

- Notice, it does not say to strike with your hand, but rather to use a rod. When you reach your hand out to your child, your child should never have to wonder if you are going to hit them. Hands are for loving and hugging, and parents need to do a lot of that!

- Just because this particular sermon is about discipline doesn’t mean you should be all about discipline. We need to balance discipline and affection. One without the other is living hell.

• Prov. 13:18 Poverty and shame will come to him who neglects discipline*, But he who regards reproof will be honored… 24 He who withholds his rod hates his son, But he who loves him disciplines* him diligently^NAS/carefully^NIV /betimes^KJV/ promptly^NKJ/ cherche^FLS/ seeks discipline [early on]^lit

• Holding back on spanking your child is giving forth a spirit of hatred toward your child. If you spank, it sends forth a spirit of love to your child!

• And if you love your child, you will chasten him “diligently/early on/over and over.”

• Folks, the devil has lied to us! He says that the rod is bad – that it’s negative and cruel. But according to God’s word, the rod is one of the most positive forms of discipline you can use!

• The world says your children will hate you for spanking them and that it teaches them to hit others. Nothing could be farther from the truth! This rod will bring order where there’s chaos, peace there there’s turmoil, freedom where there’s sin in your children’s lives, and zeal where there’s apathy.

• Now, I know that the rod can be abused. I know that there are parents who don’t use it right. You may have been spanked in anger by your parents, or even beaten up. That is not Biblical chastisement, and that’s not what I’m advocating.

• If your attitude towards the rod is wrong because of your past experiences, I beg you to open your heart and let God show you there is a better way.

• If your children are without the proper chastisement, they are missing some of the sweetest experiences of their life – and so are you! A child that is not disciplined is missing the fullness of a love relationship between father, mother and child.

• At one point we looked into boys homes for an extended family member and ran into one guy we really respect at a place called Runymeade. He says he doesn’t spank the boys that come to his program because spankings create such amazing bonds of affection that they don’t want to leave the program. He doesn’t spank because he wants those boys to bond to their own fathers instead of to him.

• This raises a point: there are special circumstances in which parents are raising children to whom they did not give birth, and in some of those cases, you might not be able to use the rod. It’s possible to discipline and admonish children without the rod, but it’s a whole lot easier if you can use it.

• How does it work? Prov. 20:30 Blows that hurt cleanse away evil, As do stripes the inner depths of the heart. (NKJ)

• Spanking is God’s method for clearing the conscience of your children.

• Do you remember the last time you had a terrible experience and then fell on your face crying out for God to rescue you and confessed your sins and felt the release of God washing them away and overwhelming you with His close presence?

• A child that’s being spanked properly will have that kind of experience, and that will lead to a clear conscience and a clear countenance.

• You can see it on their faces whether or not they’re being spanked properly. We often have people come up to us and say that there’s something different about our children’s eyes. There really is a visible difference.

• We’ve also had people come up to us and say, “Oh you are so lucky to have such well-behaved children; if you had children like mine, you’d understand that it isn’t so easy.” I just smile. They have no idea how much trouble I’ve had with my kids. I remember sessions where for entire hour, I’d have to stop everything to discipline and instruct a defiant little boy over and over – and girls can be pretty obstinate too! Don’t be fooled into thinking you have a special problem. As a general rule, your children are no different than everybody else’s children. There is hope for every family that follows God’s word on this.

• One more thing: Spankings can clear the conscience, but they are not the grounds upon which a child is forgiven of wrongdoing. In other words, Biblical chastisement is not punishment.

• God did not say that “the wages of sin” is four licks with a switch. No amount of spanking will atone for the child’s wrongdoing; only the death of Christ can atone for their sins, so point them to find forgiveness in prayer to Him.

• Don’t light into them with righteous anger against their offense, fire in your eyes, paddle in hand, foam coming out of your mouth, yelling, “You’re gonna get it now!” No! Take time to cool down first if you have to. Spankings are not punishment, they are correction for future conduct.

• A spanking should be a teaching tool to reinforce that certain things are wrong and that those things must not be done in the future.

• Let me describe an ideal spanking:

• There is a clear offense. You have taught them a rule and they have violated it. Perhaps someone asked if they could play outside and I ask if they’ve done their chores and they say yes they’ve done their chores, and then I discover they haven’t done all their chores after all, so I’ve caught them in a lie.

• I get alone with the offender. I don’t want to shame them in front of their peers or siblings, and I want to move them away from the distractions of life as it goes on during this special time. So we find a relatively-private place.

• We identify the offense. I ask questions to make sure that I haven’t misun­derstood what’s going on and help the child see that they have indeed told me a lie. Then I remind them of the ninth commandment and explain what it means to “bear false witness.” I help the child see that they have broken God’s law, and I express grief over this – perhaps with silence, a pained look, or pleading with them. I want them to see the seriousness of it.

• I apply the rod carefully. Sometimes, I remind them that God has com­manded me that I have to spank them. The goal is to bring pain that trains them. A tap on the diaper isn’t going to bring enough pain. A whallop on the bare buttocks with a heavy stick is too much and could do permanent dam­age. It has to be carefully measured. I’ll put my whole arm into it with a teenage boy, but just use a flick of the wrist with my little girls. How many licks? That also requires wise judgment. Sometimes they need as many as it takes until they drop their guard and weep over their sin. Some kids will stubbornly keep their rebellious heart and take licks stoically if they know there will only be three licks, so stopping at three means the lesson won’t get driven home. On the other hand, I have found that some of my kids don’t deal well with the uncertainty of not knowing how many licks are coming, so it provides a sense of justice and order for them to know that they have exactly three licks coming to them. Just ask God for wisdom about this, and He’ll give it to you.

• Then I hug them. I let them cry a little bit in my arms, and even express grief myself because I hate to have to spank.

• Then we pray. I encourage little children to repeat after me, “Dear Lord, please forgive me for lying to Papa. Please help me to tell the truth. In Jesus’ name, Amen.” I encourage bigger kids to pray their own prayer. I may also add a prayer. This teaches the child that it is God who graciously forgives. It isn’t the spanking that makes them right with God; it’s Jesus.

• We conclude with a wrap-up instruction. I ask them if they believe that God forgave them, and I assure them that He has because we asked in Jesus’ name. I tell them that I’ll also forgive them (if I’ve been offended), or I’ll instruct them to ask forgiveness of whatever other party they have wronged. And then I assure them that everything is all right. We have done what it takes to make things right, and all is well, and I love them.

• I tell you, when I do it like that, the child is my buddy for the rest of the day. They follow me around with admiration in their eyes. They know their Dad loves them.

• If all this is a little new and scary for you, let me share a few more scriptures to drive this point home:

• Prov. 22:15 Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; The rod of discipline* will remove it far from him.

• Foolishness is natural for children. Your children are sinners, and they are going to sin. It’s bound up in their heart.

• God has ordained that through their failures and through discipline, they will learn Godly character. Since this is the case, parents must not get angry at their children when their children sin.

• It is wicked pride that wants our kids to look good in front of others and not embarrass us. It is wicked pride that lashes out in anger at our children for making us look bad in front of others.

• No, we’re after the hearts of our children, and we want them to be right before God. We know that those little hearts are bound up with foolishness, and we’re going to work on them with the rod of discipline so that we can present these children to God for His service knowing that their hearts are right before God.

• They are tied up with folly like a captive tied up with ropes. And the way the Bible tells us to free them from that folly is to discipline with the rod.

• You can yell at folly, but it won’t go away. You can stand it in the corner, and the foolishness will not leave. You can talk nice to it; you can give foolishness a reward, but it will not leave. The rod of correction is God’s ordained way to drive foolishness out of your children.

• It won’t just give you a little reprieve from foolishness; it will drive it far away!

• Now, I’ll give a little caveat; spanking isn’t the only tool in your training toolbox. There is a place for other forms of training.

  1. For every negative admonition and discipline session there should be positive reinforcement that says to your child that doing what is right makes life delightful. Treats and hugs and conversations and special outings and play and showing accomplishments make a child’s life delightful, so fill your home with these things!

  2. And there are other tools besides spanking to handle negative behavior too. Sometime babies cry because they are tired and stretched beyond their limits. In such cases, I don’t give them a spanking, I give them a time out. After a good cry alone in their room and maybe getting a nap, attitudes can turn around 180 degrees without a spanking.

  3. Parents need God’s wisdom to recognize when it’s appropriate to do what.

• But when you see a guilty conscience, do your children a favor, and drive that foolishness out of their hearts with a rod. It’s not right for you to leave it there. God never intended for your children to live with all that junk in their heart.

• This is what happens: A child does something wrong – they know it, and their conscience feels guilty – even if nobody saw them do it. Then with that guilty conscience, they do something else wrong, and the conscience feels more guilty.

• If you hold back the rod, you are saying to your children, “I don’t love you; I don’t love you; I don’t love you.”

• You know, it’s a terribly unloving thing to let a child go around like that. They’re frustrated and discontent and aren’t happy with anything, and you know it. You can just take them to their room for a spanking and set them at rest. Let them have a good day and be happy again!
  
  

• Prov. 23:12-14 Apply your heart to discipline* And your ears to words of knowledge. Do not hold back discipline* from the child, Although you strike him with the rod, he will not die. You shall strike him with the rod And rescue his soul from Sheol.

• He may holler like he’s going to die, but don’t be fooled. Kids are smart enough to try to manipulate you like this. If they’re squirming all around and making it hard for you to aim carefully, their lack of self-control is creating a dangerous situation, so I’ve often had to add a training session on how to sit still and take a spanking.

• If you hold back too much on this rod; you spare this rod too much; you indulge your natural love too much, and they’ll go to hell over it. That’s what this verse says; and that’s a very serious thing.

• How can that be? Well, God saves those who are repentant, whose self-centered will is broken. And a child who has had their will broken consistently through Biblical chastisement will respond quickly when God says, “Come, follow Me.” A child with a heart still bound up with folly will naturally be rebellious to God too.

• Susanna Wesley, the mother of the great hymnwriter Charles Wesley and of John Wesley, the founder of the Wesleyan church, once said, “I set out at an early age to conquer the will of each child. Then I continue to bring it under subjection until it is totally yielded to Christ.”

• This training can begin very early. I remember doing it with my not-quite-one-year-old when he started crawling and noticing the electrical outlets on the walls. He had no idea the danger of sticking things into electrical outlets, and I was not going to let him hurt himself badly through his own foolish­ness. So I started training him with a light swat on the hand whenever he reached up to the electrical outlets. After a while, it got to where he would crawl up to an outlet, look at it, start to reach up, then shake his head and crawl away on his own.

• Parents can also train little children positively by calling children to come to us. Give them a big hug or a piece of candy for coming quickly. But if they don’t come quickly, warn them, and then the next time, spank them for disobedience. That way it’s proactive. You can plan it around the time you have free to work on obedience. Be proactive in training your children.

• If we parents will become students of training our children, we’ll do them a huge favor – we’ll save them from so much pain and misery in this life, and give them a real head start!

• O.K. kids, this is fair warning! If you hear your Daddy or Mommy call you this week to “Come here,” now you know what they’re doing, and you’d better come running!

• Well, I’ll have to compose another whole sermon on the second way that Ephesians 6:4 teaches us to raise children – in the noutheteia/admonition/instruction of the Lord, but for now I hope you catch the vision for Biblical discipline and that you will trust God’s word when He says that the rod, administered in love the way God administers discipline, is an essential tool in your toolbox for parenting. I look forward to seeing generations of children raised up by generations of fathers to walk in the Lord!